obiwanging | its like a Jewel song but no one remembers who that is

its like a Jewel song but no one remembers who that is

Who: The Shrieking Shits

brokeassgoing and Bark at the Poon

reachingfangs
Where: the stinkiest car known to man is that a stain of mayonnaise or something worse on the seat
When: now

]Whose bright idea was this trip? You know how they say it isn't the destination, its the journey? And then when they (whoever the fuck those bozos are) switch it up and say its the destination that counts? They obviously didn't think of the modern road trips between families, friends, and whatever the fuck Badou and Renji are.]

Change it. If I gotta listen to one more crooning song about drinking and beating off with guitar strings cause their wife left 'em I'm gonna shart, right here. Right now.

[its only been a few hours and its off to a wonderful start.]

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[ More unimpressed looks are cast his way. Although he has found some respect for Badou and his ability to drive. Shit's really harder than it looks. ]

You know the only one getting hurt by that's gonna be you, right?

[yeah show him some respect goddamn it

annnnnd they're rolling out! Autobots get the fuck outta here.]

I will hurt you deeply.

[ He's earned a thimbleful of respect from Renji treasure it.

And he sends a challenging grin to Badou, then pops a marshmallow in his mouth. ]

Yeah? I'd like to see you try.

[ Those who don't learn from history something something anyway time to distract the driver again. ]

You really wanna see us both get fucked up? Even if you don't die, it'll hurt.

[another considering look

he really wants a marshmallow though]

[ He chews with some consideration at that and shrugs. ]

Kinda counting on just you getting fucked up. I'd get out of it fine.

[ Said cockily, like he was James Bond or something and could definitely roll out of a speeding car or backflip through the sun roof if need be. Although tbf it wasn't out of the realm of possibility, even if Badou was right and it'd definitely hurt.

Renji looks back and reads that considering look. Then after a bit of deliberation he offers one since he's y'know, a gentleman. ]

[those soul reapers may be old fogies and smell like your grandmas house but they sure know a thing or two about manners
probably.

he takes a hand off the steering wheel to take the offered treat.]

You'd let me cross over?

[back to shit talking
or...deep talk? he isn't sure where this will go either]

[ Good boy, driving the car so nice and asking politely. Renji drops Badou's treat in his hand and reaches for one of his own. Maybe he wouldn't have to put him in obedience school after all.

Renji's surprised expression simultaneously sours and softens in the silence following Badou's question. He stares at Badou before turning his gaze back out the window again. ]

Idiot. Don't take that so seriously.

[ He palms a marshmallow again, considering its squishy mochi-like texture and trying to sound casual and not like he cares or anything. ]

Said I couldn't have you dying on my watch, didn't I? It's too much work.

[he takes his time chewing the marshmallow in lieu of an answer for a bit. Dramatic Pauses, you know.

His gaze bores into the side of Renji's face.]

Paperwork? Or power? You can't save everyone y'know. That ain't even supposed to be your job.

[ He snorts under his breath. ]

Both. And I don't need a kid like you telling me that.

[ In spite of how his eyes studiously never leave some point on the horizon outside his passenger window, Renji knows Badou is watching him. He has half a mind to tell him to focus on the road so they won't have to test that theory, but instead he takes another bite and talks through a mouthful of 'mallow. ]

'Sides, it ain't about whether it's my job or not.

I'm not a kid. Just cause you're old as fuck and your plumbing don't work...

[one corner of his mouth tips up]

Yeah? Then what's it about.

[he still doesn't get this, this blossoming infant of whatever this is.
besides them being the infants]

Not that it's any of your damn business but my plumbing's working just fine.

[ He finally turns to meet Badou's eyes, searching them to see if Badou was really that clueless or if he's trying to make him pass his sappy shit quota for the day. Honestly man is he gonna have to say this out loud really. ]

It's about you being a pain in my ass that's easier to deal with alive than dead.

[ Okay maybe he won't.
Lil babies, both of them. ]

[that was so sappy he almost wants to make fun of him. but he kinda can't because of how happy that made him.

how lame.]

What, you think I'll find the time to haunt your ass out there? I'll find better things to do. People'll be dyin' for a sense of life out there...maybe.

[he can't even laugh at his own joke]

[ He just. Looks at him. Renji might have to make sure he keeps him living as long as possible just to spare Soul Society from the comedy stylings of Badou Nails. ]

Yeah, sure. Just try not to get too eager about spreading that "sense of life"—[ he adds exaggerated quotation marks with his fingers, another useful human gesture he learned from watching TV ]—around too soon.

[ Satisfied that Badou had now dragged out enough sappiness from him to drench a stack of pancakes, Renji turns away and resumes leaning as much as possible out the passenger window as he can without actually falling out of it. They'd escaped the suburbs mostly and now there was just a narrow two lane road with signs interrupting the landscape every once in a while. He squints at a particularly spooky looking one that rushes up and past them, turning his head to read it as they drive past. Then he glances at Badou, designated tour guide of the weird world of the living. ]

What's a Mystery Spot?

[that's rude because they're already dealing with Renji and Skwad. This wouldn't be too much more to-- okay that's a lie.

He also stares right back; the sense of life? philosophical or revolving around spreading shit on the walls??

It's almost peaceful if they hadn't almost died and it didn't smell like socks and jockstraps in here. Corn...when will that happen? Where is the Corn?

Renji's question gives him pause. He needs to do this right.]

The clitoris.

[ It takes him a second, but after that Renji moves to smush the side of Badou's face with his open palm, maybe bang his head on the car's frame. Although for all his glaring at the non-answer he's smirking at the same time. ]

Maybe a mystery to you, moron.

[despite smacking his head a little Badou laughs, way too loudly, barking like the mutt he is.]

No way in hell. I'm not the dead virgin, man.

[ Okay Renji's gonna just. Smack his head again. The rudeness from this infant. ]

What, you think a living virgin's any better?

[ Well maybe for sacrificing into volcanoes, which Renji might well do if the great fire god would free him from this stank ass vehicle. ]

WATCH IT OR GET REKTED!

[he turns his head and nips at Renji's hand, or the air, probably.]

Do you know any? Friends of yours? Those kids? That's gross, man.

[ Badou's teeth just about graze Renji's palm and for a moment he's so aghast he doesn't say anything. Then explodes. ]

I'm talking 'bout you and your damn needs-to-be-muzzled ass, obviously!!

[look at this innocent face]

Look man just cause no one'll do kinky shit with you doesn't mean I stayed a virgin.

[ what innocent face all he sees is mockery and lies. ]

I told you I ain't— Oi, what makes you think I'm into kinky shit in the first place!!

[THIS INCREDIBLY INNOCENT YOUNG FACE]

One word: nipple tats. Alright, two words.

[ THAT INCREDIBLY RUDE ASS NOSY FACE ]

I DON'T HAVE TATS ON MY NIPPLES!

[its a wonderful face don't lie

also this is the face of someone who believes you]

Sure, Jan.

[ Well this is the face of a dude who is sick of looking at that other dude's stupid making a mockery out of him face.

This is also the face of a dude taking his shirt off. ]

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