obiwanging | its like a Jewel song but no one remembers who that is

its like a Jewel song but no one remembers who that is

Who: The Shrieking Shits

brokeassgoing and Bark at the Poon

reachingfangs
Where: the stinkiest car known to man is that a stain of mayonnaise or something worse on the seat
When: now

]Whose bright idea was this trip? You know how they say it isn't the destination, its the journey? And then when they (whoever the fuck those bozos are) switch it up and say its the destination that counts? They obviously didn't think of the modern road trips between families, friends, and whatever the fuck Badou and Renji are.]

Change it. If I gotta listen to one more crooning song about drinking and beating off with guitar strings cause their wife left 'em I'm gonna shart, right here. Right now.

[its only been a few hours and its off to a wonderful start.]

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[is he ready for the pure sass he's gonna get

and the chip to his face because that's what it is. if he doesn't dodge (along with swerving the entire car) it's gonna land with that familiar tangy orange powder right on his nose]

There ya go buddy.

[ He's spent enough time with Badou to know that Pure Uncut Sass is the only thing he's ever gonna get out of him (makes you wonder why he even asked in the first place) so he's ready for the chip and bats it away before anything lands anywhere. Those spirit senses coming out his ass might have helped too. His victory does feel pretty short-lived as the car wobbles a little as soon as his hand leaves the wheel and he has to scramble to right it again. ]

Watch it!

[ He huffs and shakes his hand a bit to get the dust off it. ]

If you're gonna throw shit at me, can't it be one of them marshmallows?

[he's thankful this season for Renji's quicker reflexes and maybe learning flexes. well Badou would be if he wasn't such a shit but as it stands.

Lips pursed, he at least grants him this.

A marshmallow in the hair.]

There you are. You actually like this shit?

[ He's just so resigned to this and like, actually pretty hungry (something about being in cars, even questionable ones like this, seems to stimulate feelings of snackiness) that his annoyance with all this food throwing is basically at base levels. He just plucks it out. Pops it in his mouth. ]

Tastes fine to me.

[ And by "fine" he means "sweet" and ain't nothing keeping your boy from thinking that sugar is the good shit. Could do without the little bits of orange powder residue but man beggars can't be choosers. ]

Fine as in you don't got stuff like this in the afterlife?

[well its a good thing he brought basically whatever was handy at the store/some junk he wasn't the most fond of. Badou occupies himself with chips, one foot braced on the dashboard.

Now he's curios, which is bad]

[ Renji gives a shrug at that. Whatever, the status of the existence of marshmallows isn't classified or anything so it probably wouldn't hurt to answer is what he foolishly thinks. And he's willing to say that the novelty of them is definitely part of why he likes em. ]

Yeah, maybe. Don't really get that stuff either.

[ He points with his closest elbow at the chips. ]

Toss me another one.

What a fuckin' ripoff! I'm goin' somewhere nice when I die...with a lotta sun and a beach.

[he chomps down with a purpose on a handful of chips before he gets his greasy hands on another marshmallow, this time handing it over.

he's so kind]

[ To tell him that the afterlife is just a shitty feudal period drama set stretching on to infinity or not. ]

Dunno 'bout beaches, but I know a place with a lotta sand.

[ Stares at his precious marshmallow puff, now sullied, from the corner of his eye. Carefully, he takes it from Badou...

and whips it at his face. The car veers wildly for a moment as he does so who knows if he hits him or where but there are more serious matters at hand. ]

What the fuck! I know you can't help being a gross prick, but save it for when you ain't messin' with a man's food!

[why ruin dreams

but with a YELP he catches it with his stupid face, quickly whips the situation around and stuffs it up Renji's nose? this is amazing]

YOU'RE THE GROSSEST PRICK AROUND! THIS AIN'T EVEN FOOD...AND WHY WOULD I WANT SAND UP MY ASS, BY THE WAY?

[ no this is terrible there is sugar in his nasal passage that doesn't belong there!!

he struggles and snort/sneezes it out, utterly aghast at this turn of events. He's too disgusted to even punch him right now this is so scarring. ]

I AIN'T THE ONE GNAWIN' ON MY GROSS FINGERS WITH GROSS CHIP WHATEVER THE SHIT WHAT THE HELL!!

And you don't want it but that's the closest your soon-to-be dead ass is gonna get to a beach!!

[ don't think he won't toss Badou into Hueco Mundo to have the same Experience he's had with sand in uncomfortable areas he'll do it swear to god. ]

[as irritated as he is, he's triumphant]

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET! MAYBE YOUR SNOZ COULD USE SOME OPENING!

[unlike his mind or something hmph

ok but please fear what kind of freaky ass hollow beast could be made....if it eats badou]

I will take you down with me, fucker.

MAYBE YOUR HEAD COULD USE SOME OPENING!

[ He scowls at Badou, knowing that he can't exactly retaliate what with how the car wobbles like it had vodka in the tank instead of gas if he so much as lifts a finger from the wheel. Then he notices an empty crossroad coming up and slowly smirks. ]

Yeah we'll see about that.

[ With sudden (terrible) inspiration, he makes a sharp turn left, and centrifugal forces send every goddamn thing in this trash heap flying toward's the passenger's side, including chips and bags and cigarette butts thanks Newton. how's mutually assured destruction taste pal. ]

[IT TASTES LIKE ASS THANK YOU BUDDY!!

Badou's screams are those of souls rushing out of a gaping hole, probably a butt, he ducks as far as his large gangly limbs let him, head covered, and tries with all his might to throw shit back at Renji]

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR SOUL COCK SUCKING MIND?!

[ The car continues trundling down this road and now just headed in completely the wrong direction (if it was ever going the right direction), albeit at a much less breakneck pace than before since Renji has an arm up shielding his face from Badou's assault. He'd probably try to do more to stop it if he wasn't too busy, y'know, laughing. ]

How d'ya like that! That'll show you to ever fuck around with my food again!

[ Yeah this is all really just about snacks. Gotta draw a line somewhere man. ]

[if he's going to laugh WHILE THEY FUCKING DIE well Badou won't disappoint him. He reels back and kicks at his belly with that same smelly foot they were arguing about ten minutes ago.]

I'M GONNA FUCK WITH YOU! DON'T FUCK WITH MY LIFE, YOU DICKBAG! JUST BECAUSE YOUR HEART AIN'T BEATING DON'T MEAN I WON'T DRAG YOU DOWN WITH ME!

[ Renji has absolutely nowhere to dodge so that stinky ass foot gets him right in the gut. Just right there. It makes him brake abruptly, which knocked what little puffs of wind might have remained after that. ]

—THE HELL!

YOU WEREN'T GONNA DIE JUST CAUSE OF A LITTLE TURNING YOU MORON!

[ Twists around to elbow him... which doesn't quite have the reach because of these!! Stupid seat belts WHAT WERE THE POINT OF THESE. So he switches to a punch. Or more like just a wild swing of his arm. ]

[the punches and the VERY BONY AND ASHY ELBOW is painful, definitely hurts enough for him to put the hurt on Renji a little harder

knowing he'll die and Renji will be fine???]

WE'RE GONNA DIE CAUSE ALL YOU DO IS EAT DICK!

[ wow tf ASHY HOW VERY DARE but okay well he is just gonna shift to the defensive so the hurt is put on a little less and it's a good thing this car is now just inching along the road, very slowly tilting away from oncoming traffic. They might slide into a ditch or something but for now it's mostly content to let them fight it out apparently. ]

I TOLD YOU TO STOP TALKING ABOUT DICKS!

As if I'd ever let your winy ass die on my watch anyway! You're fucking shrill and annoying enough as it is when you're alive!

NEVER! NOT UNTIL THERE ISN'T A SINGLE BREATH IN MY BLACK LUNGS-- AND EVEN LATER ON!

[badou makes it sound like a very hopeful, wondrous thing-- its the worst thing in the word. hands tangled in Renji's hair, this is how they die]

I'M GONNA SHOVE A DICK IN YOUR DICK-OBSESSED MOUTH IF YOU MENTION DICK ONE MORE TIME!

[ His hands tangle in Renji's hair and Renji's hand grabbing onto his wrists to keep him from pulling while their car crawls towards a ravine how romantic ]

[somewhere in the distance is the muffled tune of My Heart will Go On by Celine Dion.

Badou flicks his wrist fast, yanks hard enough to have Renji crane his neck if the other redhead doesn't wrench out of his grip]

I'M GONNA PUT ONE UP YOUR NOSE! I'M NOT OBSESSED! TAKE THAT BACK.

[ Never let go Rose.

Actually please fucking let go he's too afraid of how much hair Badou could pull out to fight this too hard so his neck is definitely craned. So Renji just for a stomach punch instead to loosen his grip, flick that motherfucker. ]

NO! YOU CAN'T GO FIVE MINUTES WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT SOMEBODY SUCKING DICK YOU NEED A FUCKING INTERVENTION!

[it works because Badou immediately releases him in favor of holding his stomach hopefully back together, it felt like something was punctured or maybe its just because he's a weakling to all this fighting.

in the fray he gets pushed clear to the other side of his seat, pressed against the window. wheezing, he presses his foot back into Renji, where this all began]

YOU GONNA INTERVENE FOR ME?! ACTING LIKE YOUR OWN SHIT DON'T STINK-- YOU GOT NO RIGHT TO TALK!

[ Renji would almost feel bad about inflicting so much pain on a poor defenseless lil baby human if he didn't then just have a foot all squished up against him again. Yelling and fighting in a small enclosed space with no fucking oxygen or... whatever is somehow very tiring and he doesn't try to fight the foot more than nudging it disdainfully away.

(Or maybe he actually does feel kind of bad about hurting Badou and doesn't want to hurt him too bad again fighting back MAYBE WHO KNOWS.) ]

I think I got a right when I ain't spewing bullshit about blowjobs every damn day!

I don't talk....about blowjobs....

[he growls through clenched teeth, glaring at Renji and poking him.

of course that's when he notices how far over The Edge they've gotten]

GET THAT DICK TALK OUT OF YOUR EYE, LOOK!

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holy fuck my email alerts are loud

well good evening

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