its like a Jewel song but no one remembers who that is

[brokeassgoing]

Who: The Shrieking Shits brokeassgoing and Bark at the Poon reachingfangs
Where: the stinkiest car known to man is that a stain of mayonnaise or something worse on the seat
When: now


]Whose bright idea was this trip? You know how they say it isn't the destination, its the journey? And then when they (whoever the fuck those bozos are) switch it up and say its the destination that counts? They obviously didn't think of the modern road trips between families, friends, and whatever the fuck Badou and Renji are.]

Change it. If I gotta listen to one more crooning song about drinking and beating off with guitar strings cause their wife left 'em I'm gonna shart, right here. Right now.

[its only been a few hours and its off to a wonderful start.]

Comments

[reachingfangs]

[ The car continues trundling down this road and now just headed in completely the wrong direction (if it was ever going the right direction), albeit at a much less breakneck pace than before since Renji has an arm up shielding his face from Badou's assault. He'd probably try to do more to stop it if he wasn't too busy, y'know, laughing. ]

How d'ya like that! That'll show you to ever fuck around with my food again!

[ Yeah this is all really just about snacks. Gotta draw a line somewhere man. ]

[brokeassgoing]

[if he's going to laugh WHILE THEY FUCKING DIE well Badou won't disappoint him. He reels back and kicks at his belly with that same smelly foot they were arguing about ten minutes ago.]

I'M GONNA FUCK WITH YOU! DON'T FUCK WITH MY LIFE, YOU DICKBAG! JUST BECAUSE YOUR HEART AIN'T BEATING DON'T MEAN I WON'T DRAG YOU DOWN WITH ME!

holy fuck my email alerts are loud

[reachingfangs]

[ Renji has absolutely nowhere to dodge so that stinky ass foot gets him right in the gut. Just right there. It makes him brake abruptly, which knocked what little puffs of wind might have remained after that. ]

—THE HELL!

YOU WEREN'T GONNA DIE JUST CAUSE OF A LITTLE TURNING YOU MORON!

[ Twists around to elbow him... which doesn't quite have the reach because of these!! Stupid seat belts WHAT WERE THE POINT OF THESE. So he switches to a punch. Or more like just a wild swing of his arm. ]

well good evening

[brokeassgoing]

[the punches and the VERY BONY AND ASHY ELBOW is painful, definitely hurts enough for him to put the hurt on Renji a little harder

knowing he'll die and Renji will be fine???]

WE'RE GONNA DIE CAUSE ALL YOU DO IS EAT DICK!

[reachingfangs]

[ wow tf ASHY HOW VERY DARE but okay well he is just gonna shift to the defensive so the hurt is put on a little less and it's a good thing this car is now just inching along the road, very slowly tilting away from oncoming traffic. They might slide into a ditch or something but for now it's mostly content to let them fight it out apparently. ]

I TOLD YOU TO STOP TALKING ABOUT DICKS!

As if I'd ever let your winy ass die on my watch anyway! You're fucking shrill and annoying enough as it is when you're alive!

[brokeassgoing]

NEVER! NOT UNTIL THERE ISN'T A SINGLE BREATH IN MY BLACK LUNGS-- AND EVEN LATER ON!

[badou makes it sound like a very hopeful, wondrous thing-- its the worst thing in the word. hands tangled in Renji's hair, this is how they die]

[reachingfangs]

I'M GONNA SHOVE A DICK IN YOUR DICK-OBSESSED MOUTH IF YOU MENTION DICK ONE MORE TIME!

[ His hands tangle in Renji's hair and Renji's hand grabbing onto his wrists to keep him from pulling while their car crawls towards a ravine how romantic ]

[brokeassgoing]

[somewhere in the distance is the muffled tune of My Heart will Go On by Celine Dion.

Badou flicks his wrist fast, yanks hard enough to have Renji crane his neck if the other redhead doesn't wrench out of his grip]

I'M GONNA PUT ONE UP YOUR NOSE! I'M NOT OBSESSED! TAKE THAT BACK.

[reachingfangs]

[ Never let go Rose.

Actually please fucking let go he's too afraid of how much hair Badou could pull out to fight this too hard so his neck is definitely craned. So Renji just for a stomach punch instead to loosen his grip, flick that motherfucker. ]

NO! YOU CAN'T GO FIVE MINUTES WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT SOMEBODY SUCKING DICK YOU NEED A FUCKING INTERVENTION!

[brokeassgoing]

[it works because Badou immediately releases him in favor of holding his stomach hopefully back together, it felt like something was punctured or maybe its just because he's a weakling to all this fighting.

in the fray he gets pushed clear to the other side of his seat, pressed against the window. wheezing, he presses his foot back into Renji, where this all began]

YOU GONNA INTERVENE FOR ME?! ACTING LIKE YOUR OWN SHIT DON'T STINK-- YOU GOT NO RIGHT TO TALK!

[reachingfangs]

[ Renji would almost feel bad about inflicting so much pain on a poor defenseless lil baby human if he didn't then just have a foot all squished up against him again. Yelling and fighting in a small enclosed space with no fucking oxygen or... whatever is somehow very tiring and he doesn't try to fight the foot more than nudging it disdainfully away.

(Or maybe he actually does feel kind of bad about hurting Badou and doesn't want to hurt him too bad again fighting back MAYBE WHO KNOWS.) ]

I think I got a right when I ain't spewing bullshit about blowjobs every damn day!

[brokeassgoing]

I don't talk....about blowjobs....

[he growls through clenched teeth, glaring at Renji and poking him.

of course that's when he notices how far over The Edge they've gotten]

GET THAT DICK TALK OUT OF YOUR EYE, LOOK!

[reachingfangs]

[ Renji was about to retort that uh yes Badou does talk about blowjobs like more than anyone he's ever met in his afterlife and maybe if he doesn't realize that he brings up dick sucking on the regular it's a Problem... but then Badou helpfully points out their car is about to get fucked. ]

SHIT—!

[ He slams on the breaks (because no one has learned anything today at all) and turns the wheel away at the same time and the world spins and shudders sickeningly. This sick maneuver somehow gets them half fallen into a ditch anyway. At least they were wearing their seat belts, right? Safety first, kids. ]

[brokeassgoing]

[well here's something just as romantic as the titanic: Badou wails, tears in his eye, and wraps his arms around Renji--

to use the other man as a human dead shield. How nice.
How did no one puke? How did no one puke? We'll never know.]

[reachingfangs]

[ Oh that's really nice. And probably good thinking because those stupid airbags didn't deploy at all. Kind of bullshit but not even a little surprising.

Also nice is Renji being too stunned to throw him off... until the world stops swimming anyway. God there were gonna be bruises later. He groans, peeks an eye open to see how they are now positioned with their front end drunkenly pitched down, a scattering of chips on the dashboard, and then squeezes them shut again. ]

I'm never doing this again.

[ And by this he means everything. Driving a car. Going on a roadtrip. Being within a hundred feet of Badou. Coming back to this terrible dimension. All of it. ]

You okay?

[brokeassgoing]

[wow how #straight romantic.

Badou's done well to forget airbags are a thing but know in your heart he'll bitch about it in twenty minutes.

Once his eye cracks open he's clearing his throat like he wasn't just about to poop himself.

If he ever gets in a car with Renji behind the wheel again he'd better be the dead body in the trunk. No exceptions.]

Yeah...yeah, I'm okay. You? You got all your hair?

[reachingfangs]

Yeah, I think so.

[ A hand comes up to smooth back his hair as if to check, then comes down again to give the steering wheel an experimental turn. No dice. Press on the gas and weak, sputtering cries come from somewhere under the hood. ]

...Think if I pull it out it'll still work?

[ He's already flexing his hands ready to do it but if he's gonna put all that effort just for the hunk of junk to die on the road then maybe they ought to just call Triple A or whatever. ]

[brokeassgoing]

I don't see smoke coming outta the hood...so yeah, we gotta get out and push. Pull. Whatever.

[he groans and runs his hands over his face. this is a disaster.

but hey they're alive!]

[reachingfangs]

[ Small consolation that is.

Renji peers at the smokeless hood to double confirm there wasn't anything rising out of it, then nods and pushes open the door. ]

Just stay in here, I got it.

[ ...Which would have looked pretty cool if he didn't struggle for a couple seconds to unlatch his seat belt and subsequently roll out of the car because what how steep was this incline anyway really. ]

[brokeassgoing]

[also at least there aren't other things coming out of it, or them. There is good news!]

Don't get a hernia! Don't tear!

[he watches Renji fight for about five minutes with the most blank look on his face.]

[reachingfangs]

[ His face is basically the reddest it's ever been as he miraculously frees himself and tumbles out his seat. ]

I said I got it!

[ Which again would sound... better but he grabs the rear bumper cover as he begins the onerous work of dragging the car out their ditch and rips it straight off. He pauses, now very unsure of if the car would work, before deciding then surreptitiously throws it the side and grips for more stable support as he tugs the thing out feet by feet.

Badou maybe can't hear him muttering under his breath about how this was all that redheaded moron's fault because he can't control his raging dick issues but let's mention it here anyway. ]

[brokeassgoing]

[judging by the lack of horrible scream Renji didn't tear anything but Badou has this suspicious feeling...there's been a disturbance in the force.

But on the other hand the car is moving bit by bit--]

Whoa, he's actually doing it!

[reachingfangs]

[ It doesn't take more than a couple minutes of grunting and pulling before Renji is satisfied and the car is back on the road. Or at least its tires are on level ground close to the road, which is about as far as he can bother to drag it. Powers of being a dead asshole come in handy for things other than saving the world, who knew.

He moves over to the passenger's side and half leans against the hood, looking pretty darn smug for someone who was mostly at fault for their nearly dying in a ditch in the first place. ]

There, you're welcome.

[brokeassgoing]

[Badou climbs out in order to survey Renji's work and not because he's snooty like that. He hums, clearly impressed, and immediately pops open the hood just to make sure everything's still there.]

Yeah, thanks so much for not killing me. Don't wanna wear those robes and have everything flopping out. Everything looks good, somehow....

[but will it stall for no reason other than no I don't want to go on fuck off humans]

[reachingfangs]

[ Not gonna lie he's pretty pleased with himself for impressing Badou so the mild jab at his classy as hell duds didn't annoy him all that much. ]

If you like your jeans so much just don't become a Shinigami when you die, then.

[ While Badou gives the engine and so on a once over, he angles around to get a peek under the hood at the mess of tubes and metal boxes that made this rolling coffin somehow run as if he had any clue what it all meant. It kind of looks like the stuff that spilled out of the motorcycle Hisagi crashed. He's not curious enough to give a cable a poke, and really he's more wary than ever of fucking up the car, but he certainly seems tempted. ]

...You sure it's gonna be okay?