its like a Jewel song but no one remembers who that is

[brokeassgoing]

Who: The Shrieking Shits brokeassgoing and Bark at the Poon reachingfangs
Where: the stinkiest car known to man is that a stain of mayonnaise or something worse on the seat
When: now


]Whose bright idea was this trip? You know how they say it isn't the destination, its the journey? And then when they (whoever the fuck those bozos are) switch it up and say its the destination that counts? They obviously didn't think of the modern road trips between families, friends, and whatever the fuck Badou and Renji are.]

Change it. If I gotta listen to one more crooning song about drinking and beating off with guitar strings cause their wife left 'em I'm gonna shart, right here. Right now.

[its only been a few hours and its off to a wonderful start.]

Comments

[reachingfangs]

[ Oh what's he gonna do, shoot ghost bullets at him? Please.

But the mercy/heartburn is appreciated. For what it's worth he takes the advice without a word and even looks real pleasantly surprised that he can move the stick thing around. ]

Thanks. [ Sounding both genuine and relieved. ]

...I could've figured it out though. [ Before slipping right back into bravado. ]

[ Okay now to just. Press the gas pedal and oh shit it's too hard. The whole car shudders forward and it's a good thing these seatbelts work or Renji would have slammed his head straight into the wheel, probably crushing it with how thick his stupid skull is. ]

Fuck!

[brokeassgoing]

[he's gonna put ghost bullets up his asshole that's what

he's just about to be snarky right back, now that he's gotten over the surprise of sincerity, but he does get knocked around a tad, his own thick skull smacks into the window and he's howling:]

WILL YOU FUCKIN WATCH IT, LEAD FOOT?!

[reachingfangs]

[ What no stop it what has Renji's asshole ever done to him huh??

Badou's hollering is already hard to take on any regular day but in a confined space it's unbearable and he has to release the wheel and covers his ears. Then uncovers them to yell back. ]

SHUT UP FOR A SECOND!! Just gimme a minute to get used to this goddamn thing!

[ And now time for some massive over correcting. Is this car moving? Maybe. The motor is clearly chugging along but the crawling pace is making the fucking trees seem to move faster than their rolling junkheap is. Renji casts an occasional agitated glance at Badou while he ever so slowly begins to pick up speed, which is basically his version of a cry for help. He really doesn't deserve it though. ]

[brokeassgoing]

[WHAT HASN'T IT DONE!!!!

It's hard for him to see these kinds of cues for help when his palms cover his eye, ain't it? And the occasional scream and whimper that comes out]

USE THE BREAK USE THE BREAK USETHEBREAKUSETHEBREAKUSETHE--

[reachingfangs]

[ ..........................OKAY FAIR BUT DOES HIS ASSHOLE DESERVE TO HAVE GHOST BULLETS SHOVED UP THERE I DO NOT THINK SO!!!!!!

Badou's panic is making Renji panic which is making the car speed up a whole lot faster because he can't concentrate on making sure his big ole feet stay nice and light on the gas. It's basically a positive feedback loop for disaster. He yells through Badou's hysterical mantra: ]

WHAT?! Which one's the break?!

[ There's only so much shit he could press or stamp on or turn though, so even if he doesn't get a straight answer he does end up slamming on the break right after they go careening into a mailbox. The stop is so sudden it knocks the air out of his lungs and even the seat belt can't stop his head from hitting the rim of the steering wheel. A car speeds by honking its horn long and hard at them just to make the humiliation more palpable. ]

[brokeassgoing]

[YES IT DOES IT DESERVES IT IT NEEDS IT

they are going to fucking die. Badou screeches and, for a split second, thinks about opening the door and diving out and abandoning Renji-- even pulls at the door handle, forgetting he'd locked it an hour ago, the last time he farted]

THE LEFT ONE THE FUCKING LEFT ONE YOU RETARDED BUTT MONKEY THE LEFT!

[when they finally make it, when they finally aren't dead, maybe, Badou opens his eye. Everything's kinda silent.]

....If this is soul society, it sucks ass.

so much later that the old narrator got tired of waiting, and they had to hire a new one...

[reachingfangs]

[ It takes Renji a second to lift his head from the steering wheel. Badou would be see a big angry bruise on his forehead right now if his bandanna wasn't strategically covering it for just such moments of unintended headbutting. He rolls his eyes at Badou and shakes his head, definitely out of exasperation and not because he might have gotten a concussion. ]

You ain't dead yet, idiot.

[ His fingers flex on the steering wheel and he pauses to gather his nerves. ]

Well, if you're done screaming like a girl.

[ He takes a deep breath. It takes a lot of guts to admit when you've fucked up and in that regard Renji is nothing if a loser with the intestinal fortitude of an amoeba. Most of the time. ] How... do I move this thing back?

unlike that asshole narrator i will wait 4ever

[brokeassgoing]

[he's quick to take his hands away from his face and serve the stinkiest of eyes at his deal ol' buddy here.

he'll also shove him because:]

I didn't scream like a girl. That came outta your own ass.

[he takes a deep breath and looks forlornly out the window]

You sure you don't wanna just walk the rest of the way?

aww ty i appreciate it 5ever

[reachingfangs]

[ Renji has already gotten so used to stink eyes and comments about what does and doesn't come out of his butt that he barely acknowledges either of these and that would be a frightening thing to learn about himself if he ever realizes it. Instead he gives Badou a sidelong look, then stares at the car with its little dent at the front and the mangled mailbox lying across the hood like a dead bird on a sidewalk. He comes pretty close to unbuckling his seat belt and doing the whole screw this im outta here thing except again he is a total incompetent who doesn't know how to do that, and anyway he does have just enough defiance left in him to resent being asked. ]

Yeah, I'm sure. Let's just get this shit over with.

[ Although he is notably not moving. Because he's at least surrendered enough pride to know he should not fuck around anymore without Badou's grudging approval lest they end up in Soul Society for real next time. Thinking about how he'd have to explain his sudden return to his bosses was giving him a headache on top of the headache he already had from the minor crash and being around Badou in general. ]

[brokeassgoing]

[Badou looks a little green just thinking about continuing this circus show. He wonders if in another life he could have just done cartwheels on tightropes instead.

But his balance is shit so he decides, oh well, in Soul Society at least he'll get an office. He makes the sign of his cross shakily across his chest and whimpers.]

You owe me a fuckin' office and you're gonna kick your captain in the dick if we die....use the reverse, the little R on there. See it with those shitty beady eyes of yours?

[reachingfangs]

You ain't gonna die so none of that shit is gonna happen. And never mention my captain's dick in front of me again.

[ Still, he does as he's told and ever so slowly reverses. The mailbox they'd totaled slides off the hood and out of sight, much like any trace of Renji's dignity. ]

[brokeassgoing]

What, you disappointed I didn't say you'd be sucking it?

[seriously he doesn't want to know what soul societys like okay please
he clenches his eye shut and his ass too
goodbye mailbox]

[reachingfangs]

[ Oh he's looking a little green now too. ]

Every time I think the garbage that comes outta your mouth can't get any more disgusting. Don't even joke about tha—

[ And a combination of his distraction and Badou's apparent refusal to engage with reality makes Renji almost reverses straight into the road. Good thing horns exist because another one cuts him off and he instaslams into a stop again using the fancy new break he just learned about. ]

Fuck, that was your fault!

[brokeassgoing]

PAY ATTENTION TO THE ROAD YOU FUCKHOLE!

[his own stomach? conten-- no, strength is returning to him if his temper has too. Even Badou's voice sounded less weepy there!

the knuckle-white grip on the seat beneath him though...he rocks forward and huffs.]

Can't take you anywhere....

[reachingfangs]

[ Fuck his ear drums are ringing. Badou was way more tolerable weepy. ]

Maybe if you would quit distractin' me!

[ He huffs as well, then stares at the mess of car dashboard trying to remember what to do now. An experimental pull of the stick thing back to D for drive fails because his foot is off the brake this time. He rattles and tugs it before easing off, not quite willing to snap the thing out of its little track and hurl it through the window in sheer frustration. ]

This thing isn't working.

[brokeassgoing]

[we all know he's more tolerable unconscious

he cracks open his eye, plops his hands into his lap and takes a look at the damage. this is going to scar, for sure. hopefully their souls (TM) would survive.]

That's cause your foot's off the break, dingus. You need that to do stuff. Thank god they made it that way or you'd be more dead than usual.

[reachingfangs]

[ True, but if he was unconscious right now there would be nobody to keep Renji from killing them both. And dead Badou is like, the most intolerable version. ]

Oh.

[ And with some pedal pushing and stick handling they were back on the open road, wind in their hair, horrid odour of rotten cheese wafting about again. So far so normal. ]

...Thanks. Again.

[ This gratitude is not going to continue past the end of this sentence so drink it up and gloat while it lasts. ]

[brokeassgoing]

Somebody's gotta keep us alive and not gettin' our asses kicked by your people.

[he only gloats like 30% okay, he's Mature.
so so normal right now, wow.

It won't be long though before Badou opens his mouth again.]

Hey, didja bring anything?

[reachingfangs]

[ That's fine the peaceful atmosphere was kind of creeping him out and making him feel super lame.
Renji shrugs, eyes still on the road and darting around looking for trouble. ]

Like what? Got food and a change of clothes. We need anything else?

[ Now he's kind of worried he might have forgotten something. ]

[brokeassgoing]

[god, Badou's going to have to teach him about Good road trips isn't he.

he sighs, a haughty look on his face]

Car games, duh! Jeez, you really don't get out much.

[reachingfangs]

[ This is like maybe the first time he's ever been in a car before for so. Yeah kind of.

Anyway it does grate him on him that he literally comes from another dimension and Badou's getting all high and mighty about him not getting out much. Rude tbh. ]

The hell kinda games can you play in a car?

Also, you want to play a game right now? Weren't you just shrieking about how we're all gonna die three minutes ago? You get bored of that already?

[brokeassgoing]

[hey don't cry Badou's getting you OUT Renji! he's helping
see this is helping

that said, he lights up a cigarette that might or might not be his last one]

Might as well do somethin' distracting before we die. I spy with my little eye......somethin' red.

[reachingfangs]

[ This is not remotely helping. ]

...So I'm supposed to guess what you're seein'? [ He glances around. ]

Dried blood on the cup holder?

[ Seriously what the fuck is wrong with this car. ]

i want you to know im this close to rereading bleach and i hate you

[brokeassgoing]

Nnnnope. Try again, tattbrows.

[he's too casual in his smugness...yes, thats a description and its perfect for jut the stupid thing Badou's doing with his face right now]

friend................. please.................. love yourself. don't do it.

[reachingfangs]

[ Renji's eye might twitch from the nickname. Not gonna react more though and give him the satisfaction, oh no. He doesn't have to look at Badou to know that the conceited little shit is just leaking cockiness from every pore. It's so much worse than the cigarette smoke right now. ]

That sign?

[ The big ole stop one he's just gonna drive right past. ]