obiwanging | its like a Jewel song but no one remembers who that is

[they're going to crash and die and the only parts left of them not burning are going to be their buttcracks.

Badou, mouth still in that sneering grin, does pull over. Shifts it into park and opens the door. He doesn't take his eye off Renji.]

Don't come crying to me when you fuck it up.

[ He glares at Badou's dumb jerk-y face and opens the door as soon as they slow to a stop. If he rises to the bait any faster he'd be breaking the sound barrier. ]

Can't see how I could do any worse than you.

[ And breaking that eye contact only to leave the car and march over to the driver's side oh so confident-like. ]

Edited 2016-10-12 01:48 (UTC)

[Badou probably figures his companion will give up, or be unable to get it in drive. he isn't counting on them dying, that's for sure.

stupid, that.

when he settles in the passenger seat, he's sure to visibly and slowly put his seatbelt on.]

For one, I've got a licence. For two, you're a dumbass.

[ Hey if he does die he's doing it right next to a bonafide soul reaper so it's kind of convenient if you think about it.

In any case Renji also gets comfy in the driver's seat. He watches Badou put his seatbelt on and copies the same since apparently that was a thing you had to do. "What's a licence?" is on the tip of his tongue but that would only prove point number two so he settles for snorting in response. ]

Yeah, like you ain't a dumbass.

[ Having his mouth write checks that his hands and feet can't cash is starting to catch up to him, because he nervously turns his attention away from Badou for a second to just. Stare at the confusing assortment of knobs and levers and shit. Oh god this was a mistake. He fucked up. He fucked up real bad and his stupid ego won't let him back out now. ]

Alright. So.

[ He looks from the wheel (that he's holding approximately the same way he saw Badou and the TV people do it) to his unfortunate passenger. Experimentally he presses on the gas pedal but since it's still on park the car just makes awful noises that startle and frustrate him. Might be muttering what the fuck under his breath idk. ]

[Badou is going to beat his ass in the afterlife he knows that too right.

He watches Renji expectantly for awhile and then, feeling some mercy in his heart or maybe that's just heartburn, he sighs.]

Take that stick there, and pull it. The one you wanna get it on in the end is D for drive. You're gonna have to use that pedal on the right too, to move that shit.

[if he asks:]

Just reminding you...since I know you already know this shit, right.

[ Oh what's he gonna do, shoot ghost bullets at him? Please.

But the mercy/heartburn is appreciated. For what it's worth he takes the advice without a word and even looks real pleasantly surprised that he can move the stick thing around. ]

Thanks. [ Sounding both genuine and relieved. ]

...I could've figured it out though. [ Before slipping right back into bravado. ]

[ Okay now to just. Press the gas pedal and oh shit it's too hard. The whole car shudders forward and it's a good thing these seatbelts work or Renji would have slammed his head straight into the wheel, probably crushing it with how thick his stupid skull is. ]

Fuck!

[he's gonna put ghost bullets up his asshole that's what

he's just about to be snarky right back, now that he's gotten over the surprise of sincerity, but he does get knocked around a tad, his own thick skull smacks into the window and he's howling:]

WILL YOU FUCKIN WATCH IT, LEAD FOOT?!

[ What no stop it what has Renji's asshole ever done to him huh??

Badou's hollering is already hard to take on any regular day but in a confined space it's unbearable and he has to release the wheel and covers his ears. Then uncovers them to yell back. ]

SHUT UP FOR A SECOND!! Just gimme a minute to get used to this goddamn thing!

[ And now time for some massive over correcting. Is this car moving? Maybe. The motor is clearly chugging along but the crawling pace is making the fucking trees seem to move faster than their rolling junkheap is. Renji casts an occasional agitated glance at Badou while he ever so slowly begins to pick up speed, which is basically his version of a cry for help. He really doesn't deserve it though. ]

[WHAT HASN'T IT DONE!!!!

It's hard for him to see these kinds of cues for help when his palms cover his eye, ain't it? And the occasional scream and whimper that comes out]

USE THE BREAK USE THE BREAK USETHEBREAKUSETHEBREAKUSETHE--

[ ..........................OKAY FAIR BUT DOES HIS ASSHOLE DESERVE TO HAVE GHOST BULLETS SHOVED UP THERE I DO NOT THINK SO!!!!!!

Badou's panic is making Renji panic which is making the car speed up a whole lot faster because he can't concentrate on making sure his big ole feet stay nice and light on the gas. It's basically a positive feedback loop for disaster. He yells through Badou's hysterical mantra: ]

WHAT?! Which one's the break?!

[ There's only so much shit he could press or stamp on or turn though, so even if he doesn't get a straight answer he does end up slamming on the break right after they go careening into a mailbox. The stop is so sudden it knocks the air out of his lungs and even the seat belt can't stop his head from hitting the rim of the steering wheel. A car speeds by honking its horn long and hard at them just to make the humiliation more palpable. ]

[YES IT DOES IT DESERVES IT IT NEEDS IT

they are going to fucking die. Badou screeches and, for a split second, thinks about opening the door and diving out and abandoning Renji-- even pulls at the door handle, forgetting he'd locked it an hour ago, the last time he farted]

THE LEFT ONE THE FUCKING LEFT ONE YOU RETARDED BUTT MONKEY THE LEFT!

[when they finally make it, when they finally aren't dead, maybe, Badou opens his eye. Everything's kinda silent.]

....If this is soul society, it sucks ass.

[ It takes Renji a second to lift his head from the steering wheel. Badou would be see a big angry bruise on his forehead right now if his bandanna wasn't strategically covering it for just such moments of unintended headbutting. He rolls his eyes at Badou and shakes his head, definitely out of exasperation and not because he might have gotten a concussion. ]

You ain't dead yet, idiot.

[ His fingers flex on the steering wheel and he pauses to gather his nerves. ]

Well, if you're done screaming like a girl.

[ He takes a deep breath. It takes a lot of guts to admit when you've fucked up and in that regard Renji is nothing if a loser with the intestinal fortitude of an amoeba. Most of the time. ] How... do I move this thing back?

[he's quick to take his hands away from his face and serve the stinkiest of eyes at his deal ol' buddy here.

he'll also shove him because:]

I didn't scream like a girl. That came outta your own ass.

[he takes a deep breath and looks forlornly out the window]

You sure you don't wanna just walk the rest of the way?

[ Renji has already gotten so used to stink eyes and comments about what does and doesn't come out of his butt that he barely acknowledges either of these and that would be a frightening thing to learn about himself if he ever realizes it. Instead he gives Badou a sidelong look, then stares at the car with its little dent at the front and the mangled mailbox lying across the hood like a dead bird on a sidewalk. He comes pretty close to unbuckling his seat belt and doing the whole screw this im outta here thing except again he is a total incompetent who doesn't know how to do that, and anyway he does have just enough defiance left in him to resent being asked. ]

Yeah, I'm sure. Let's just get this shit over with.

[ Although he is notably not moving. Because he's at least surrendered enough pride to know he should not fuck around anymore without Badou's grudging approval lest they end up in Soul Society for real next time. Thinking about how he'd have to explain his sudden return to his bosses was giving him a headache on top of the headache he already had from the minor crash and being around Badou in general. ]

[Badou looks a little green just thinking about continuing this circus show. He wonders if in another life he could have just done cartwheels on tightropes instead.

But his balance is shit so he decides, oh well, in Soul Society at least he'll get an office. He makes the sign of his cross shakily across his chest and whimpers.]

You owe me a fuckin' office and you're gonna kick your captain in the dick if we die....use the reverse, the little R on there. See it with those shitty beady eyes of yours?

You ain't gonna die so none of that shit is gonna happen. And never mention my captain's dick in front of me again.

[ Still, he does as he's told and ever so slowly reverses. The mailbox they'd totaled slides off the hood and out of sight, much like any trace of Renji's dignity. ]

What, you disappointed I didn't say you'd be sucking it?

[seriously he doesn't want to know what soul societys like okay please
he clenches his eye shut and his ass too
goodbye mailbox]

[ Oh he's looking a little green now too. ]

Every time I think the garbage that comes outta your mouth can't get any more disgusting. Don't even joke about tha—

[ And a combination of his distraction and Badou's apparent refusal to engage with reality makes Renji almost reverses straight into the road. Good thing horns exist because another one cuts him off and he instaslams into a stop again using the fancy new break he just learned about. ]

Fuck, that was your fault!

PAY ATTENTION TO THE ROAD YOU FUCKHOLE!

[his own stomach? conten-- no, strength is returning to him if his temper has too. Even Badou's voice sounded less weepy there!

the knuckle-white grip on the seat beneath him though...he rocks forward and huffs.]

Can't take you anywhere....

[ Fuck his ear drums are ringing. Badou was way more tolerable weepy. ]

Maybe if you would quit distractin' me!

[ He huffs as well, then stares at the mess of car dashboard trying to remember what to do now. An experimental pull of the stick thing back to D for drive fails because his foot is off the brake this time. He rattles and tugs it before easing off, not quite willing to snap the thing out of its little track and hurl it through the window in sheer frustration. ]

This thing isn't working.

[we all know he's more tolerable unconscious

he cracks open his eye, plops his hands into his lap and takes a look at the damage. this is going to scar, for sure. hopefully their souls (TM) would survive.]

That's cause your foot's off the break, dingus. You need that to do stuff. Thank god they made it that way or you'd be more dead than usual.

[ True, but if he was unconscious right now there would be nobody to keep Renji from killing them both. And dead Badou is like, the most intolerable version. ]

Oh.

[ And with some pedal pushing and stick handling they were back on the open road, wind in their hair, horrid odour of rotten cheese wafting about again. So far so normal. ]

...Thanks. Again.

[ This gratitude is not going to continue past the end of this sentence so drink it up and gloat while it lasts. ]

Somebody's gotta keep us alive and not gettin' our asses kicked by your people.

[he only gloats like 30% okay, he's Mature.
so so normal right now, wow.

It won't be long though before Badou opens his mouth again.]

Hey, didja bring anything?

Edited 2016-10-26 04:02 (UTC)

[ That's fine the peaceful atmosphere was kind of creeping him out and making him feel super lame.
Renji shrugs, eyes still on the road and darting around looking for trouble. ]

Like what? Got food and a change of clothes. We need anything else?

[ Now he's kind of worried he might have forgotten something. ]

[god, Badou's going to have to teach him about Good road trips isn't he.

he sighs, a haughty look on his face]

Car games, duh! Jeez, you really don't get out much.

welcum back

thanks pal

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so much later that the old narrator got tired of waiting, and they had to hire a new one...

unlike that asshole narrator i will wait 4ever

aww ty i appreciate it 5ever

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