its like a Jewel song but no one remembers who that is

[brokeassgoing]

Who: The Shrieking Shits brokeassgoing and Bark at the Poon reachingfangs
Where: the stinkiest car known to man is that a stain of mayonnaise or something worse on the seat
When: now


]Whose bright idea was this trip? You know how they say it isn't the destination, its the journey? And then when they (whoever the fuck those bozos are) switch it up and say its the destination that counts? They obviously didn't think of the modern road trips between families, friends, and whatever the fuck Badou and Renji are.]

Change it. If I gotta listen to one more crooning song about drinking and beating off with guitar strings cause their wife left 'em I'm gonna shart, right here. Right now.

[its only been a few hours and its off to a wonderful start.]

Comments

[brokeassgoing]

[he's got a lighter if he wants to cauterize the wound

A look of disbelief, a flash of anger that remains:]

And just what the fuck's wrong with my technique? It's solid! Ten and two and all that.

[reachingfangs]

[ He has no idea what ten and two means, and thus ignores it completely. ]

So you're supposed to only use one foot?

[ Sounds very dubious about that. ]

[brokeassgoing]

[step one failed

he looks at his foot though]

Yeah, cause havin' both feet on the pedals'll make you confused.

[reachingfangs]

That so?

[ Legit cannot tell if Badou is serious or just fucking with him. Against his better judgment he decides Badou was probably telling the truth.

He turns slightly away from the window and looks more at the driver's side with a very, very small amount of curiosity. ]

It don't look so tough.

[brokeassgoing]

[He cocks a brow at his companion, his mouth quirked into a daring sneer.]

No? I bet a guy who got his eyebrows tatted up couldn't do it...he'd cry like a baby.

well this only took 100 years

[reachingfangs]

[ Oh he's done it now. Renji now gives his full attention to Badou, unspeakably horrible odours within be damned, and looks ready to rip off his seat belt and demand that he pull over. If he was wearing a seat belt or knew what pulling over was, anyway. He's got volume though, that's got to count for something. ]

Like hell I would! Let me in that seat! You're gonna be the one crying when I'm driving circles around you in an hour!

[ They're definitely gonna crash and die. ]

welcum back

[brokeassgoing]

[they're going to crash and die and the only parts left of them not burning are going to be their buttcracks.

Badou, mouth still in that sneering grin, does pull over. Shifts it into park and opens the door. He doesn't take his eye off Renji.]

Don't come crying to me when you fuck it up.

thanks pal

[reachingfangs]

[ He glares at Badou's dumb jerk-y face and opens the door as soon as they slow to a stop. If he rises to the bait any faster he'd be breaking the sound barrier. ]

Can't see how I could do any worse than you.

[ And breaking that eye contact only to leave the car and march over to the driver's side oh so confident-like. ]

[brokeassgoing]

[Badou probably figures his companion will give up, or be unable to get it in drive. he isn't counting on them dying, that's for sure.

stupid, that.

when he settles in the passenger seat, he's sure to visibly and slowly put his seatbelt on.]

For one, I've got a licence. For two, you're a dumbass.

[reachingfangs]

[ Hey if he does die he's doing it right next to a bonafide soul reaper so it's kind of convenient if you think about it.

In any case Renji also gets comfy in the driver's seat. He watches Badou put his seatbelt on and copies the same since apparently that was a thing you had to do. "What's a licence?" is on the tip of his tongue but that would only prove point number two so he settles for snorting in response. ]

Yeah, like you ain't a dumbass.

[ Having his mouth write checks that his hands and feet can't cash is starting to catch up to him, because he nervously turns his attention away from Badou for a second to just. Stare at the confusing assortment of knobs and levers and shit. Oh god this was a mistake. He fucked up. He fucked up real bad and his stupid ego won't let him back out now. ]

Alright. So.

[ He looks from the wheel (that he's holding approximately the same way he saw Badou and the TV people do it) to his unfortunate passenger. Experimentally he presses on the gas pedal but since it's still on park the car just makes awful noises that startle and frustrate him. Might be muttering what the fuck under his breath idk. ]

[brokeassgoing]

[Badou is going to beat his ass in the afterlife he knows that too right.

He watches Renji expectantly for awhile and then, feeling some mercy in his heart or maybe that's just heartburn, he sighs.]

Take that stick there, and pull it. The one you wanna get it on in the end is D for drive. You're gonna have to use that pedal on the right too, to move that shit.

[if he asks:]

Just reminding you...since I know you already know this shit, right.

[reachingfangs]

[ Oh what's he gonna do, shoot ghost bullets at him? Please.

But the mercy/heartburn is appreciated. For what it's worth he takes the advice without a word and even looks real pleasantly surprised that he can move the stick thing around. ]

Thanks. [ Sounding both genuine and relieved. ]

...I could've figured it out though. [ Before slipping right back into bravado. ]

[ Okay now to just. Press the gas pedal and oh shit it's too hard. The whole car shudders forward and it's a good thing these seatbelts work or Renji would have slammed his head straight into the wheel, probably crushing it with how thick his stupid skull is. ]

Fuck!

[brokeassgoing]

[he's gonna put ghost bullets up his asshole that's what

he's just about to be snarky right back, now that he's gotten over the surprise of sincerity, but he does get knocked around a tad, his own thick skull smacks into the window and he's howling:]

WILL YOU FUCKIN WATCH IT, LEAD FOOT?!

[reachingfangs]

[ What no stop it what has Renji's asshole ever done to him huh??

Badou's hollering is already hard to take on any regular day but in a confined space it's unbearable and he has to release the wheel and covers his ears. Then uncovers them to yell back. ]

SHUT UP FOR A SECOND!! Just gimme a minute to get used to this goddamn thing!

[ And now time for some massive over correcting. Is this car moving? Maybe. The motor is clearly chugging along but the crawling pace is making the fucking trees seem to move faster than their rolling junkheap is. Renji casts an occasional agitated glance at Badou while he ever so slowly begins to pick up speed, which is basically his version of a cry for help. He really doesn't deserve it though. ]

[brokeassgoing]

[WHAT HASN'T IT DONE!!!!

It's hard for him to see these kinds of cues for help when his palms cover his eye, ain't it? And the occasional scream and whimper that comes out]

USE THE BREAK USE THE BREAK USETHEBREAKUSETHEBREAKUSETHE--

[reachingfangs]

[ ..........................OKAY FAIR BUT DOES HIS ASSHOLE DESERVE TO HAVE GHOST BULLETS SHOVED UP THERE I DO NOT THINK SO!!!!!!

Badou's panic is making Renji panic which is making the car speed up a whole lot faster because he can't concentrate on making sure his big ole feet stay nice and light on the gas. It's basically a positive feedback loop for disaster. He yells through Badou's hysterical mantra: ]

WHAT?! Which one's the break?!

[ There's only so much shit he could press or stamp on or turn though, so even if he doesn't get a straight answer he does end up slamming on the break right after they go careening into a mailbox. The stop is so sudden it knocks the air out of his lungs and even the seat belt can't stop his head from hitting the rim of the steering wheel. A car speeds by honking its horn long and hard at them just to make the humiliation more palpable. ]

[brokeassgoing]

[YES IT DOES IT DESERVES IT IT NEEDS IT

they are going to fucking die. Badou screeches and, for a split second, thinks about opening the door and diving out and abandoning Renji-- even pulls at the door handle, forgetting he'd locked it an hour ago, the last time he farted]

THE LEFT ONE THE FUCKING LEFT ONE YOU RETARDED BUTT MONKEY THE LEFT!

[when they finally make it, when they finally aren't dead, maybe, Badou opens his eye. Everything's kinda silent.]

....If this is soul society, it sucks ass.

so much later that the old narrator got tired of waiting, and they had to hire a new one...

[reachingfangs]

[ It takes Renji a second to lift his head from the steering wheel. Badou would be see a big angry bruise on his forehead right now if his bandanna wasn't strategically covering it for just such moments of unintended headbutting. He rolls his eyes at Badou and shakes his head, definitely out of exasperation and not because he might have gotten a concussion. ]

You ain't dead yet, idiot.

[ His fingers flex on the steering wheel and he pauses to gather his nerves. ]

Well, if you're done screaming like a girl.

[ He takes a deep breath. It takes a lot of guts to admit when you've fucked up and in that regard Renji is nothing if a loser with the intestinal fortitude of an amoeba. Most of the time. ] How... do I move this thing back?

unlike that asshole narrator i will wait 4ever

[brokeassgoing]

[he's quick to take his hands away from his face and serve the stinkiest of eyes at his deal ol' buddy here.

he'll also shove him because:]

I didn't scream like a girl. That came outta your own ass.

[he takes a deep breath and looks forlornly out the window]

You sure you don't wanna just walk the rest of the way?

aww ty i appreciate it 5ever

[reachingfangs]

[ Renji has already gotten so used to stink eyes and comments about what does and doesn't come out of his butt that he barely acknowledges either of these and that would be a frightening thing to learn about himself if he ever realizes it. Instead he gives Badou a sidelong look, then stares at the car with its little dent at the front and the mangled mailbox lying across the hood like a dead bird on a sidewalk. He comes pretty close to unbuckling his seat belt and doing the whole screw this im outta here thing except again he is a total incompetent who doesn't know how to do that, and anyway he does have just enough defiance left in him to resent being asked. ]

Yeah, I'm sure. Let's just get this shit over with.

[ Although he is notably not moving. Because he's at least surrendered enough pride to know he should not fuck around anymore without Badou's grudging approval lest they end up in Soul Society for real next time. Thinking about how he'd have to explain his sudden return to his bosses was giving him a headache on top of the headache he already had from the minor crash and being around Badou in general. ]

[brokeassgoing]

[Badou looks a little green just thinking about continuing this circus show. He wonders if in another life he could have just done cartwheels on tightropes instead.

But his balance is shit so he decides, oh well, in Soul Society at least he'll get an office. He makes the sign of his cross shakily across his chest and whimpers.]

You owe me a fuckin' office and you're gonna kick your captain in the dick if we die....use the reverse, the little R on there. See it with those shitty beady eyes of yours?

[reachingfangs]

You ain't gonna die so none of that shit is gonna happen. And never mention my captain's dick in front of me again.

[ Still, he does as he's told and ever so slowly reverses. The mailbox they'd totaled slides off the hood and out of sight, much like any trace of Renji's dignity. ]

[brokeassgoing]

What, you disappointed I didn't say you'd be sucking it?

[seriously he doesn't want to know what soul societys like okay please
he clenches his eye shut and his ass too
goodbye mailbox]

[reachingfangs]

[ Oh he's looking a little green now too. ]

Every time I think the garbage that comes outta your mouth can't get any more disgusting. Don't even joke about tha—

[ And a combination of his distraction and Badou's apparent refusal to engage with reality makes Renji almost reverses straight into the road. Good thing horns exist because another one cuts him off and he instaslams into a stop again using the fancy new break he just learned about. ]

Fuck, that was your fault!

[brokeassgoing]

PAY ATTENTION TO THE ROAD YOU FUCKHOLE!

[his own stomach? conten-- no, strength is returning to him if his temper has too. Even Badou's voice sounded less weepy there!

the knuckle-white grip on the seat beneath him though...he rocks forward and huffs.]

Can't take you anywhere....