its like a Jewel song but no one remembers who that is

[brokeassgoing]

Who: The Shrieking Shits brokeassgoing and Bark at the Poon reachingfangs
Where: the stinkiest car known to man is that a stain of mayonnaise or something worse on the seat
When: now


]Whose bright idea was this trip? You know how they say it isn't the destination, its the journey? And then when they (whoever the fuck those bozos are) switch it up and say its the destination that counts? They obviously didn't think of the modern road trips between families, friends, and whatever the fuck Badou and Renji are.]

Change it. If I gotta listen to one more crooning song about drinking and beating off with guitar strings cause their wife left 'em I'm gonna shart, right here. Right now.

[its only been a few hours and its off to a wonderful start.]

Comments

[brokeassgoing]

[He gives Renji and his stupid fucking windblown hair the stinkiest of eyes if he wasn't farting out of that, too.]

Don't hate on this thing. It cost a pretty penny to rent off some esteemed people....I went through a lot to get it, so the least you can do--

[his shoulders sag gratefully once the tunes of a different annoyance filter in through the speakers.]

Thanks.

[reachingfangs]

Couldn't stand it either.

[ He shrugs and tries to somehow settle back in the seat without physically touching it. ]

And whatever you paid to rent this pile of shit ain't worth it.

[ On the one hand, he really has very little right to complain about anything. Badou was the one went through the pain of getting this junker, even if it was basically a dump on wheels, and he was also the one driving. On the other hand surely staying locked in this rolling coffin of foulness counted as some kind of cruel and unusual punishment or broke one of the Geneva conventions about torture or something. ]

[brokeassgoing]

does Renji even know what the fucking Geneva convention is truly
or did he see it on tv

Either way, he scoffs at his companion's doubt.]

No he ain't worth it at all but he'll kill me with kindness and probably glass up my asshole if I don't return this trashheap in one piece so....its either this or hitch hiking. Deal with it, bitch.

[reachingfangs]

[ Hey he knows stuff about human things sometimes!! ...Although yeah he saw it on TV. Police procedurals can be surprisingly international these days.

Renji shoots Badou a skeptical look. Hitchhiking is looking pretty tempting right now. He'd have better company, for one thing. ]

Do you deal with anybody who ain't shady as hell?

[ Including himself in this if he's being honest. ]

[brokeassgoing]

[hopefully it wasnt law and order right

THAT'S RUDE AS HELL he's the best company. but if it makes him feel any better (????) he's also side-eying Renji.]

I dunno, actually. Maybe like one person, and she don't talk. Kinda wish she was here now....

[reachingfangs]

[ Uh no it was Crossing Lines. When would the Geneva conventions ever come up in L&O??

And Badou should really keep his eyes on the road instead of trying to communicate his disdain to Renji with all five senses. He can hear it super well already thanks. ]

What, suffocating one person in rotten cheese smell ain't enough for you?

[brokeassgoing]

[when they got a clue or at least a good station JESUS

he also is going to communicate it with his middle finger too]

I thought we'd bond over singalongs and me takin' off my shoes about five minutes ago.

[reachingfangs]

[ Wow horrible, just the worst. This is terrible behind the wheel behaviour. How did Badou ever get a licence. ]

I'll sing whatever the hell you want if you put your shoes on right now. Don't you need those to drive?!

[ He honestly doesn't know but it sure SEEMS LIKE something you need. ]

[brokeassgoing]

[whose to say he has one

but he's also cackling uproariously, even bends his leg at the knee to get that foot under his leg in some sort of pretzel thingie-- there's the foot there it is]

How the hell do you know? You don't even know how to drive!

[reachingfangs]

[ oh boy. It's starting to look like somebody wanted to get rid of this car and Badou at the same time and found a really devious way to do it.

And Renji is just gonna turn red and sputter and basically act all indignant and shit. He can't help it if he lives in feudal japan land of the dead and has never set so much as a pinky toe in a car before today okay?? ]

That's why I'm asking!

And even if I don't know, I'm still pretty sure you ain't doing it right!!

[brokeassgoing]

[this shitty motherfucker just smiles, all lopsided and cocksure, and takes one hand off the wheel as he scrunches his toes on the edge of Renji's seat]

Wanna try? You gotta learn some time, grandpa.

[reachingfangs]

[ Renji's scowl is at least as annoyed as Badou's smile is cocky. ]

No thanks.

[ Punctuates this by slamming a fist down to try and chase them toes away. That's gross stop. ]

[brokeassgoing]

[Badou really hopes Renji will pick his nose with those fingers that have been on his toes because he just
doesn't budge]

C'moooon! I taught myself how to drive. I bet I could teach you.

[reachingfangs]

[ God damn it. Well he has no choice he'll have to cut this hand off now it's the only way to cleanse this impurity. ]

...Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't wanna learn from you.

[brokeassgoing]

[he's got a lighter if he wants to cauterize the wound

A look of disbelief, a flash of anger that remains:]

And just what the fuck's wrong with my technique? It's solid! Ten and two and all that.

[reachingfangs]

[ He has no idea what ten and two means, and thus ignores it completely. ]

So you're supposed to only use one foot?

[ Sounds very dubious about that. ]

[brokeassgoing]

[step one failed

he looks at his foot though]

Yeah, cause havin' both feet on the pedals'll make you confused.

[reachingfangs]

That so?

[ Legit cannot tell if Badou is serious or just fucking with him. Against his better judgment he decides Badou was probably telling the truth.

He turns slightly away from the window and looks more at the driver's side with a very, very small amount of curiosity. ]

It don't look so tough.

[brokeassgoing]

[He cocks a brow at his companion, his mouth quirked into a daring sneer.]

No? I bet a guy who got his eyebrows tatted up couldn't do it...he'd cry like a baby.

well this only took 100 years

[reachingfangs]

[ Oh he's done it now. Renji now gives his full attention to Badou, unspeakably horrible odours within be damned, and looks ready to rip off his seat belt and demand that he pull over. If he was wearing a seat belt or knew what pulling over was, anyway. He's got volume though, that's got to count for something. ]

Like hell I would! Let me in that seat! You're gonna be the one crying when I'm driving circles around you in an hour!

[ They're definitely gonna crash and die. ]

welcum back

[brokeassgoing]

[they're going to crash and die and the only parts left of them not burning are going to be their buttcracks.

Badou, mouth still in that sneering grin, does pull over. Shifts it into park and opens the door. He doesn't take his eye off Renji.]

Don't come crying to me when you fuck it up.

thanks pal

[reachingfangs]

[ He glares at Badou's dumb jerk-y face and opens the door as soon as they slow to a stop. If he rises to the bait any faster he'd be breaking the sound barrier. ]

Can't see how I could do any worse than you.

[ And breaking that eye contact only to leave the car and march over to the driver's side oh so confident-like. ]

[brokeassgoing]

[Badou probably figures his companion will give up, or be unable to get it in drive. he isn't counting on them dying, that's for sure.

stupid, that.

when he settles in the passenger seat, he's sure to visibly and slowly put his seatbelt on.]

For one, I've got a licence. For two, you're a dumbass.

[reachingfangs]

[ Hey if he does die he's doing it right next to a bonafide soul reaper so it's kind of convenient if you think about it.

In any case Renji also gets comfy in the driver's seat. He watches Badou put his seatbelt on and copies the same since apparently that was a thing you had to do. "What's a licence?" is on the tip of his tongue but that would only prove point number two so he settles for snorting in response. ]

Yeah, like you ain't a dumbass.

[ Having his mouth write checks that his hands and feet can't cash is starting to catch up to him, because he nervously turns his attention away from Badou for a second to just. Stare at the confusing assortment of knobs and levers and shit. Oh god this was a mistake. He fucked up. He fucked up real bad and his stupid ego won't let him back out now. ]

Alright. So.

[ He looks from the wheel (that he's holding approximately the same way he saw Badou and the TV people do it) to his unfortunate passenger. Experimentally he presses on the gas pedal but since it's still on park the car just makes awful noises that startle and frustrate him. Might be muttering what the fuck under his breath idk. ]

[brokeassgoing]

[Badou is going to beat his ass in the afterlife he knows that too right.

He watches Renji expectantly for awhile and then, feeling some mercy in his heart or maybe that's just heartburn, he sighs.]

Take that stick there, and pull it. The one you wanna get it on in the end is D for drive. You're gonna have to use that pedal on the right too, to move that shit.

[if he asks:]

Just reminding you...since I know you already know this shit, right.